edesse designs blog

Vacation

It's finally here and I have been so waiting for it. I'm going on vacation, which means a MONTH of resting and relaxing. So, join me on my adventures over at my new blog:

inminutesandseconds.typepad.com

Happy Holidays!

New Blog

inminutesandseconds.typepad.com

 

Moving Out!

Cute, eh?

Quick note as I am knee deep in end-of-the-semester STUFF. So, I have a new blog right here. It's bare, of course, but after this nightmare of a week, I will be back to give it a paint coat and a good scrub down. Kinda feels nice that I'm moving out and moving on. Geez, a lot has transpired since I started this puppy. I forget about those days when all I wanted to do is make books. I dusted off the old paper cutter yesterday and shared a few tears. I miss that girl somedays--especially now when everything around is hectic. 

I'll be back shortly!!

In the meantime, how are ya?

And It Begins

Ah, Claudia Heart's Food For Children series really inspires me and, I'm falling in love with my new camera.

It's been a long week--a lot of roller coasters. I'm amazed at how high or low I can go in a span of an hour. But, life is beautiful. Happy Weekend!

Slinkachu, Two.

I've blogged about Slinkachu before. I love his work and how he can create a whole other life in a whole other dimension. Escapism at its finest. I believe that it is imagination that makes the world go 'round.

I received my camera and all its magnanimous parts, yesterday.  The manual is massive but I know that the only way to master this beast is to just jump in head first--like I do with everything else. You win some and you loose some but in summation, you always gain.

Holding the camera made me instantly miss those days when I'd set out on some random journey with my camera in hand, ready to capture the world that day--at least according to me. I'm happy that these days can return.

Check out more of his work here and here.

Lights, Camera, ACTION

Not too long ago, I won a few coins via one of those scratch tickets. After taxes and helping a friend in need, I had a bit left over and decided to get myself a brand new camera. My old camera died about a year ago. It was one of those really cheap ones. I think I paid 70 bucks for it. It lasted almost five years but finally gave way during a photo shoot out in the bitter cold. I still can't bring myself to throw it away. We've shared so many memories.

Ever since she departed, I've wanted to upgrade to a nice SLR one. Of course, like most things are when you live hand to mouth on a graduate stipend, I could not afford one. However, with the remaining funds from that dear scratch ticket, I finally took the plunge. I just ordered it actually and can't wait to get going with the photography again.

Also, I'm just about finished with the new blog. I PROMISE to post more about that soon.

Moving Towards Love

An appropriate ending to an amazing day. I ate this puppy in two bites. Not only did I manage to not do ANY school work, I got to hang out with a dear friend from school. I woke up this morning unsure of how to proceed and all I kept getting from the man upstairs was the message to move towards love. That, of course means away from er'thang else. I did that today and it was overwhelmingly peaceful. Lunch, dessert, shopping and just being me.

I Am An Egg Salad Sandwich, Here Me Roar

This painting just delivers. Thank you Gina Minichino 'cause you got a sister realizing that she's not so far removed from that egg salad sandwich squished inside of a plastic container just waiting for some lovely person who's in a hurry to drop $4.75 on me and deliver me from a refrigerated vending machine. I'd imagine that they'd have their way with me in the confines of their cubicle, too embarrassed to admit that they've been forced to go there. I can count, on two hands, actually, the number of times I've waltzed down to the nearest 7-11 and had my way with one of these bad boys. I'm usually PMS-ing and it's usually really late at night, and I have to brace myself for the look of disgust the check-out guy has as he bags the sandwich along with the rest of my "meal": a diet coke, a large ass bag of cheetos, and two king sized snicker's bars. Yep. Weakness.

The moral of the story is rather anti-climatic, ladies and gentleman. Some days I am that fucking sandwich; other days, I want that fucking sandwich. What lies in between is a mixture of irony and confusion and peace.

Derrick Guild

I'm inspired. Despite a most hectic week, what remains after all has been said and done is a renewed sense of self, of right and wrong, of family, of purpose, of moving on. This painting by Derrick Guild pretty much sums up how I feel right now--especially when I ask myself that question...you know, where do I fit in in this big old world?

I've always managed to eclipse parts of myself so that I would not shake the boat. These days, I find myself wanting to have more of a presence. I don't have to be front and center but I want those within an unspecified radius of influence, to see the heart and soul of me. To see that I'm both humble and proud, quiet yet assertive, irrational yet sane. Like this pastry, which commands attention by being ALL of what it is.

Sweet yet Low

Purty print by Ralph Goings. More appropriate than you will ever know. Today is one of those days. I look forward to tomorrow.

Shudda.

If I've learned anything in the past 24 hours, it would be to fully appreciate what I have in the moment. No Oprah-isms here, just a simple and notable truth. I think yesterday was the last warm day for about the next 7 months. Instead of complaining about the rain, I should have went out with a bang--one last tank top session or one last slurpee from 7-11. According to Margaret Morrison, the creator of these here watermelons, I should have had one more slice.

I tend to beat myself up over regrets. There's always this little storm cloud somewhere deep inside that heart of mine. It erupts and rains every now and then and I forget about the more important things like clear skies and blue hills that always come after. I'm a survivor of sort who, from time to time, forgets that I made it to shore, that I'm human, too.

That

That is seems as if it has been raining every Thursday since September. That I ate two gigantic shortbread cookies without batting an eyelash. That I miss cooking dinner. That I used to know all the names of the US Presidents, in order of service. That I have a headache. That I miss France. That I've never been to Mt. Rainer. That I want to have children. That I cannot afford a BMW.  That I hate it when people mumble. That I always hit the snooze button twice. That my bedroom window overlooks a parking lot. That I forgot about that meeting. That I don't miss cable. That I love you. That I miss you. That I pause and still go on.

Alive

Feeling uncharacteristically alive even though I'm running on a few hours worth of sleep. I suppose this energy comes from a place wholly outside of myself. Perhaps it is because I believe in happy endings--that there is a level of peace after all has been said and done.

I walked to class yesterday and it looked like it was going to rain. I remember mumbling something under my breath to God, telling him to please give me a bit of sun. In a few hours, he answered in a way I did not anticipate. It was even more beautiful that what I thought I asked for. Yesterday was one beautiful day.

I guess part of this feeling stems from knowing that I have the universe on speed dial and it's there to grant me my heart's desire. I needed to feel that sense of connection, of cause and effect, of asking and receiving, of control and release, of life and death, too. In the present-- when we are wrapped up in our shit, we just need to trust that what can lie ahead tends to be far greater than we can percieve. To me, that is worth this kind of living.

*New Blog*

Alrighty,

So, as I have alluded to for sometime, I'm starting a new blog, which will better reflect me as I am now. I'm just in a new kinda space. Things are better, they look better, they feel better, they sound better.  I'm in the process of putting the finishing touches on it. I'll pop back in a bit later on this week to give you the link.

In the meantime, happy new week! Although it's been rather rainy and cloudy these days, the sun peaked out today as I was on my way to my office. I almost sat outside for lunch but realized that I had so much work to do. I wait for the day when I can have a free lunch--you know, read a book, people watch, stare out into space. These days, my life is filled with lots of course specific reading and problem sets. I barely have time to do thing things that life requires from us--laundry, cooking, socializing.

In due time, I suppose. I'm just glad that it's fall and Halloween is fast approaching.

 

That Tomorrow

We'll meet again, on this earth, and with love.

I Believe in Before and After

Endings and Completions

In the post just before this, I spoke of the purpose of this blog, which was to help move me through my years of deep depression. This blog has been an amazing outlet. However, I feel as if I need to move on and start afresh in a new space.

This is my last post here. Additionally, I'm closing up my etsy shops and closing edesse designs/ask patrick for good. It has served its purpose and I can walk away knowing that.

I am working on a new blog, which I will drop in and post information about soon. I'm super excited about this new adventure because it is more about the new and happy me.

I want to thank all of you for sharing this journey with me.

Peace Out,

Erica

Moving On Without Closure

About four years ago, I started this blog to help cope with a devastating spell of depression that completely consumed me. Well, actually, that was edesse designs, the blog helped me to talk through my thoughts and document me as I was in it. And boy was I in it. I mean, it was, to date, the most painful experience I have ever been through. Before it started, I was at a point in my life where I felt like I was finally coming into myself. I was learning to love and learning to be open. I was productive and moving towards all those goals I had set for myself. However, within a span of a few months, I lost it all and hit rock fucking bottom.

If I could go back and pin point what triggered it AND was honest with myself, I'd say it was the day I opened myself to love and experienced it, only to have it taken away from me without notice or explanation, even when I tried to make whatever it is I did wrong, right. It left and it never came back.  And it never will come back. And I will never know why any of it happened. At least from the one I no longer speak about.

That, my friends, was the hardest because I'm a mathematician and my nature is to solve the problem. But with this one I could not and I became consumed with what I now know was and is an impossibility. I was going to have to move on without an answer, for the first time in my life.

It took me a while to accept that and there are days when I do revert back to wanting answers. However, what helped me to move on without closure was the realization that I can only solve my own shit and can't possibly try to get into the gray matter of others.

I had a lot of shit to work on. During the time of my depression, I gained a lot of weight, lost my sense of purpose, lost focus, and flat lined. What I did was take control of what I could at each dark period in time. I could, for example, stop ordering food and eating it all in one setting and instead, go for a run. I could take the GRE and go back to school instead of trying to figure out what the one I no longer speak of was doing. I could forgive instead of hanging on to bitterness.  I could choose to be happy when all I felt like being was sad. As I started to make better decisions and taking control of my destiny, things started to really change.

Today, some four years later, I have become a vastly different version of my former sad self. I'm happy and free and hopeful. I just graduated this spring with my Masters degree in Economics and Urban Planning. And, this fall, I'll start at Harvard University, studying to earn my doctorate in epidemiology and environmental health.

None of these amazing changes would have happened if I had not forced myself to move on without any semblance of closure. In doing so, I forced myself to work on me and I got to enjoy the fruits of doing so. And so did the people who chose to stick around. I am a better friend, too.

The one I no longer speak of is,  and I quote from that horrible but addictive reality show, Basketball Wives (yes, I watch), a NON MOTHER FUCKING FACTOR. Ha ha. So simple but oh so true.

So, my answer to how you move on without closure is...you just do, with as big of a step as you can muster up. You walk away, in the opposite direction and trust in the universe to guide your journey. You also have to be honest with yourself and be open to facing and owning up to some unpleasant truths about yourself. For example, perhaps some of my actions created the beast who went on to break my heart. I accept that and I have changed that in me.

However, for as painful as it all is, it gets better. Have faith in and work towards that truth.

Like, Yeah!

Besides being so beautiful outside today, I ran across these paintings from Angela Moulton's shop Pratt Creek Art. Yummy!

Doug Bloodworth

I L.O.V.E Doug Bloodworth's food paintings. Check out more of his stunning work, right here.

Realizations

That my life is both random and planned, that I know "I know" within seconds, that I must have tea after every meal, that shots don't hurt as much as I think they do, that it always gets done, that I love, that sometimes you have to bet it all and still loose, that I always sing in the shower, that bad things get better, and that I love JELLY BEANS....and life, 'cause it's beautiful, y'all!

Running

Even though it was pouring rain outside this evening, I still decided to go for a run. There's this point in my run when I climb a very steep hill. Once I reach the top, I pause for a few to catch my breath and look out over the city. The vista is beautiful--breathtakingly so. For the past three years, I've made this run and have always reached the top to take that look but always felt this unspoken sadness surrounding me and weighing me down. Today, as I reached to top, for the first time, I did not stop and instantly realized that I no longer needed to catch my breath and that the sadness was no longer there.

There is a part of me that wants to talk about where this sadness went. Then again, there is an even bigger part of me that is glad that it is gone. What remains, however, is this lighter me--the one I have been waiting for for such a long time. I won't lie. It's eerie to not have it there. I became accustomed to the handicap. It became my identity--my own soundtrack.

But it's gone. I no longer grieve. I no longer wait. I no longer hope for that happy ending. Folks, it's not coming and I can finally prepare for those things that are--like my future, which is unfolding before my eyes this very instant in a way that is astounding and humbling and right on time. This is where my hope rests--in my ability to gather motivation from the most painful of experiences and  move forward.

Monday, C'est Toi?

'Cause, I'm really feeling you this morning. Given that I am NOT a day person, this sentiment is major. Busy week coming up, but I'm so ready.

And, doesn't this painting look absolutely delicious? I'm really digging Freckled Pancakes's food inspired paintings.

And, hey, you. I'm not going to bite.

Happy Monday, Er'body!

Sunday...And The Rest Of My Life

However, before any of this actually starts, I need a big cup of coffee or this painting or whichever can get here fastest. I absolutely abhor the day before classes start up again after spring break. If you've done it right, the transition is easy. If you've messed it up, it is a nightmare. I'm in the nightmare category because I partied each and every night away. Now, it's time to pay the piper.

Happy Sunday, folks..and all that other good stuff.

The Day I Lost It All

Come this Saturday, it will be a birthday of sorts--or rather, the end of an old life and the beginning of a new one. However, three years ago, I was absolutely certain that the world had opened up and swallowed me whole! I just remember wandering home minutes after everything vanished into thin air, wondering how things would ever be better again.

Oh, dear reader, I stand before you today a vastly different version of my former self. Let me tell you, the road from there to here was one of the hardest journeys I have ever had to travel. The thing is, if I had it to do all over again, I would--in a mother fucking heartbeat. I like where I am today--a work in progress for sure, but I'm living y'all and that feels all kinds of amazing.

Speaking of amazing, I just can't get enough of milk fly's goodies. This felt cake makes me all kinds of hungry.

Pamela Johnson

Easter Bunnies

Hostess Cupcakes

Girl Scout

M&M's

Oreos

There is just something about Pamela Johnson's  work. She manages to take everyday food products most of us have consumed at one point in time and capture them in a way that is both beautiful and haunting. Although the subjects she paints here are almost too simplistic and ordinary, the impact these paintings have had on me has been quite overwhelming.I've been looking at these painting all evening, trying to figure out what exactly is the hold they have over me.

There is much to be said about having to confront simplicity. For the most part, we don't think we have to, because embedded in its definition is the assumption that simplicity speaks for itself. However, during my short time on this earth, I realize that that is hardly ever the case. Simplicity is what often gives us the most trouble. We seek it but always underestimate its presence. I mean, how many times have we struggled to overcome things that are and were quite obvious? How many times do we disregard the writing on the wall? For most of us, I'm sure the answer to any one or both of these questions is more times than we ever thought possible. And that's humbling, y'all. And scary, too. Makes me wonder about my  mettle.

Yay! Boo

Donut, 2007

Artist Boo Ritson is just what I needed on this Sunday evening. Truth be told, I'm just now officially getting up and starting my day. It's spring break and I'm on vampire time...that is, sleep all day and stay up all night. Althought there is a ton of work to be done this evening, NOTHING starts until I have a huge cup of coffee and a few sweets.

Happy spring, y'all. It's in the air, I can just feel it.

Alive

Feeling uncharacteristically alive even though I'm running on a few hours worth of sleep. I suppose this energy comes from a place wholly outside of myself. Perhaps it is because I believe in happy endings--that there is a level of peace after all has been said and done.

I walked to class yesterday and it looked like it was going to rain. I remember mumbling something under my breath to God, telling him to please give me a bit of sun. In a few hours, he answered in a way I did not anticipate. It was even more beautiful that I had hoped for. Yesterday was one beautiful day.

I guess part of this feeling stems from knowing that I have the universe on speed dial and it's there to grant me my heart's desire. I needed to feel that sense of connection--to see and understand that there is much sun after lots of rain.

 

Japan

You are in my prayers.

Fries At Your Fingertips

Okay, let us get a few things out of the way before I start this post. Yes, it is late. Yes, I have paper due tomorrow. Yes, I have not started on said paper. Yes, I am hungry.

The saga continues. Today, I had another chocolate bunny (well, actually chocolate flavored but I don't want to get into what THAT means right now). I also had another box of Peeps, and a piece of dry chocolate cake.

However, what I really wanted was some french fries--crispy, golden fries. I went the the store today to make good on a promise to recreate a yummy fry recipe I got from America's Test Kitchen. However, I just did not feel up to carrying a 10 pound bag of potatoes and a gallon of peanut oil home. It's raining, y'all. Plus, I did not feel like cutting 10 pounds of potatoes either.

So, instead of coming home and getting to work on that paper, I googled french fries and vending machines. And low and behold, they EXIST! As in, I put in my money and a few moments later, a batch of hot and crispy fires are at my fingertips. 

*Cackles*

I so need one of these right about now!

Anger Release Machine by Yarisal and Kublitz

Late Night Snacks

I have a confession. For the past few nights I have been getting up in the wee hours and heading to the local 7-11 for all sorts of stuff I know I should NOT be eating. Yesterday, I downed two bags of spicy cheetos. The day before, I had one of those vending machine ham and cheese sandwiches I swore I'd never eat. Today, I just downed a whole chocolate easter bunny and a box of peeps. Now, I want to waltz down to the Dunkin Donuts for one of these*. As a matter of fact, I want three of them, and a hot coffee, and I WANT the cashier to tell me that it will be cheaper to buy six so I can rationalize consuming a half a dozen donuts while walking home.

I've eaten two cupcakes to starve off the impulse to put on my clothes and leave the house. It's cold, so that helps. Knowing me and the past few nights, anything is possible. I'm both astonished and disgusted but I'm hungry. I've raided the fridge and the cabinets only to discover that I'm an egg away from a warm chocolate chip cookie. Le Sigh.

It's one of those weeks, ladies and gentleman.

*This painting, entitled Pink Frosted, is by the amazing Grace Mehan De Vito.

Waiting

It's a hard parade. Just be courageous.

My Mistakes

Every now and then I go back through my old blog posts and see, in plain view, ALL of these spelling and grammatical errors. I always say to myself, oh shit, people actually saw and read that?

Yes, of course. Sometimes they are understandable mistakes. Then, there are those times when I just should know better. And then there are those times when I should know better but don't. The thing is, it's still ALL me. I am my mistakes, too.

I tend to forget to celebrate that part. It's as if who I am comes courtesy of ONLY all the things I've done correctly. That's hardly the case and I need to remember that.

Say What?

I personally think that these faux cake postcards from Tang Baby are nothing short of BRILLIANT.

I'm out for the weekend and perhaps out for the week. Raza's coming in like two hours so I'm about to hit the shower and head to the airport to meet him! I'm super excited. Given that he lives in the United Arab Emirates, we only see each other twice a year--winter vacation and summer vacation. I miss him and can't wait to spend these frozen two weeks together partying the night away.

Happy weekend er'body! I hope to stop in a say hello sometime between now and the time he leaves. I'm not making any promises, though!