edesse designs blog

Running

Even though it was pouring rain outside this evening, I still decided to go for a run. There's this point in my run when I climb a very steep hill. Once I reach the top, I pause for a few to catch my breath and look out over the city. The vista is beautiful--breathtakingly so. For the past three years, I've made this run and have always reached the top to take that look but always felt this unspoken sadness surrounding me and weighing me down. Today, as I reached to top, for the first time, I did not stop and instantly realized that I no longer needed to catch my breath and that the sadness was no longer there.

There is a part of me that wants to talk about where this sadness went. Then again, there is an even bigger part of me that is glad that it is gone. What remains, however, is this lighter me--the one I have been waiting for for such a long time. I won't lie. It's eerie to not have it there. I became accustomed to the handicap. It became my identity--my own soundtrack.

But it's gone. I no longer grieve. I no longer wait. I no longer hope for that happy ending. Folks, it's not coming and I can finally prepare for those things that are--like my future, which is unfolding before my eyes this very instant in a way that is astounding and humbling and right on time. This is where my hope rests--in my ability to gather motivation from the most painful of experiences and  move forward.

Sunday...And The Rest Of My Life

However, before any of this actually starts, I need a big cup of coffee or this painting or whichever can get here fastest. I absolutely abhor the day before classes start up again after spring break. If you've done it right, the transition is easy. If you've messed it up, it is a nightmare. I'm in the nightmare category because I partied each and every night away. Now, it's time to pay the piper.

Happy Sunday, folks..and all that other good stuff.

The Day I Lost It All

Come this Saturday, it will be a birthday of sorts--or rather, the end of an old life and the beginning of a new one. However, three years ago, I was absolutely certain that the world had opened up and swallowed me whole! I just remember wandering home minutes after everything vanished into thin air, wondering how things would ever be better again.

Oh, dear reader, I stand before you today a vastly different version of my former self. Let me tell you, the road from there to here was one of the hardest journeys I have ever had to travel. The thing is, if I had it to do all over again, I would--in a mother fucking heartbeat. I like where I am today--a work in progress for sure, but I'm living y'all and that feels all kinds of amazing.

Speaking of amazing, I just can't get enough of milk fly's goodies. This felt cake makes me all kinds of hungry.

Pamela Johnson

Easter Bunnies

Hostess Cupcakes

Girl Scout

M&M's

Oreos

There is just something about Pamela Johnson's  work. She manages to take everyday food products most of us have consumed at one point in time and capture them in a way that is both beautiful and haunting. Although the subjects she paints here are almost too simplistic and ordinary, the impact these paintings have had on me has been quite overwhelming.I've been looking at these painting all evening, trying to figure out what exactly is the hold they have over me.

There is much to be said about having to confront simplicity. For the most part, we don't think we have to, because embedded in its definition is the assumption that simplicity speaks for itself. However, during my short time on this earth, I realize that that is hardly ever the case. Simplicity is what often gives us the most trouble. We seek it but always underestimate its presence. I mean, how many times have we struggled to overcome things that are and were quite obvious? How many times do we disregard the writing on the wall? For most of us, I'm sure the answer to any one or both of these questions is more times than we ever thought possible. And that's humbling, y'all. And scary, too. Makes me wonder about my  mettle.

Up

 

I'm procrastinating AND going through old photos AND trying to remember what motivated me to take them. I remember this day clearly. I had lunch in Chinatown with a dear friend and we ended up having dessert--macaroons of course--at BINA. Good times, I tell ya, good times.

It was raining that kind of rain--the kind that gets you wet whether or not you come prepared. It's futile to fight it and it's better that you just sit inside where it's warm and toasty, grab a cup of coffe, and watch the show.

That's just what we did. You know, rain speaks to you. If you have the capacity to listen, you can have a pretty wonderful conversation. On this day, the rain and I talked about peaks and valleys. It told me that the worst was over and tomorrow there would be sunny skies. I took this photo because I believe in before and after.

As a result, I no longer live in the shade--under gray skies. I continue to move into warmth and reach towards the light.

Snack Cakes

Despite growing up in the worst kind of poverty imaginable, sometimes we found ourselves rich enough to afford snack cakes. And boy, did we take advantage of that opportunity. In those days, a dollar went so far. Little Debbie and Hostess pastries were 10 cents each. We'd buy them and take them to the big magnolia tree right outside the kitchen window and eat them under the shade. We made ourselves sick but we felt rich.

Looking back on those times makes it crystal clear why I find myself, today, obsessed with food. We were poor but we had food on the table. My dear mom fought tooth and nail to make that a reality. I'd be lying if I said it was not a constant worry. However, when I came home from school there was always something waiting for me at the table. Sure, it may have only been a slice of bread or a piece of welfare cheese, but it was something and I felt human.

Since money was out of the question the majority of the time, food became the currency by which I obtained my relevance. Perhaps I could not talk about the latest movie or that show on cable television, but I could discuss, in great detail, what I had for dinner the night before. And, those special times when my mom had enough to give me a dollar, I could go to the neighborhood corner store and purchase a snack like these--with my friends. AND, by some miracle, I would always have enough to share with those friends who had it even worse than myself. Although poverty rendered me insignificant to those who did not care to see me beyond my socioeconomic status, food allowed me to cultivate a sense meaningfulness to those who did.

Through food, I learned a value system, which included generosity and sacrifice, security and vulnerability, fullness and emptiness, and an ability to believe that things can happen despite you not knowing how or when.  These lessons I carry with me to this day and thank these damn snack cakes for each and every one of them.

I did not mean to go off on a tangent, but these snack cakes created by Milk Fly just did something to me in a way that makes me keenly appreciative for the tough times I've experienced so far. These past few weeks, I've been doing some soul searching and know no bad experience encountered has remained in that state. It always manages to teach me some really important lesson and further transforms me into a much better version of myself. I feel quite blessed for this and have no complaints.

It also makes me less afraid of the trials I know still rest ahead. I look forward to the subsequent transformations that will result as a consequence. I do know this--what always falls out is an increased capacity to love others and myself.

A Toast

Warning:This post will be a bit weird because it is late and I find myself in this weird state of being. I am sleepy but find myself up and working. I'm typing my thesis and watching Iron Chef Japan and painting my toes and surfing the net for all sorts of weird stuff--like this sandwich notepad I have been trying to track down ever since, 1985. Really.I'm determined like that.

It's weird, too, because we find ourselves at the end of 2010 and I find myself wondering where the heck the other 12 months went. I mean, I remember stuff happening, but I guess I forget to realize that time was still ticking away . Boy, what a year it has been. I don't know where to start or how to start in telling you about it but I do know that finding this notepad means something--especially now.

If you know me, you know about those noisy neighbors, the group project from hell, the class from hell, the heart break, the heart mending, the moving up, the moving out, the moving on, the inspiration, the application, and the realization that I will be misunderstood more than I will, perhaps, understand. I've learned to give up ghosts and swallow air and run faster than I ever have before.

So, I want to initiate a toast. It's to all of you who contributed to the version of me sitting here typing this blog post to you. I like her. She's like an aged leather handbag. Perfectly imperfect with stories to boot. 

Thank-You. I needed the kindness. I needed the forgiveness. I needed the meanness. I needed the disregard for my feelings. I needed the music and the conversation and the opportunity to let myself go. I needed to fall and I needed to find out because I needed to find that strength within to forge a path for myself despite the inability to put it all away in a neatly wrapped package.  I needed those midnight walks and those cups of coffee and those car rides during those rainstorms. I needed you not to like me and I needed you to always have me in your mind. I needed you to make me feel crazy and I needed you to make me feel wonderful.

On the eve of this beautiful new year, I thank you from the bottom of my growing heart. This year, I look forward to that thing I know is coming. I want to walk across covered bridges and eat lots of good food and tell those I love, that I really do.

Happy New Year, Er'body

Smart Donut

Donuts, it's been a long time. How have ya been?

 

So Perfect

Are these lyrics to Thank You by Alanis Morisette.

Geez, I played this CD OUT when I was dumped by my first boyfriend and finally let it all go. Listening to this song again makes me realize how important all of life's ups and downs are in the grand scheme of things. If I were to be thankful for anything these days it would be that I finally get that! I often think about that version of me crying my eyes out in my dorm room thinking that life would never be the same again without him. Oh you foolish little girl..life got so much better . I met the love of my life, lost that, gained weight, lost that, started a business, made furniture, met cool peeps, went to graduate school, quit that, went again, quit that, went again, loved that,  found my true passion, moved, yelled, cried, mourned, laughed, lost, gained, and saw. Boy, if I ever ran into her, I would hand her a tissue and tell her that life is a beautiful roller coaster ride--your heart leaves your chest and you slide down that steep incline. The beauty is, you go on to experience the highest high ever.

How bout getting off of these antibiotics
How bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How bout them transparent dangling carrots
How bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

'Nuff Said...

I just LOVE this image by tenderbeast...just can't believe that summer is OVAH! I mean, it hit me when I went to CVS and they were putting out Halloween candy.

This summer was most productive. I grew leaps and bounds, gave up stuff, gained stuff, and look forward to learning a whole bunch of other stuff. I still need to make chilli, get a pedicure, loose a few pounds, stop eating so much candy, go to bed earlier, and answer phone calls, but ya know...I'm a work in progress.

I'm really looking forward to classes starting...just not looking forward to Raza leaving. I guess you can't have it all....