edesse designs blog

Realizations

That my life is both random and planned, that I know "I know" within seconds, that I must have tea after every meal, that shots don't hurt as much as I think they do, that it always gets done, that I love, that sometimes you have to bet it all and still loose, that I always sing in the shower, that bad things get better, and that I love JELLY BEANS....and life, 'cause it's beautiful, y'all!

Running

Even though it was pouring rain outside this evening, I still decided to go for a run. There's this point in my run when I climb a very steep hill. Once I reach the top, I pause for a few to catch my breath and look out over the city. The vista is beautiful--breathtakingly so. For the past three years, I've made this run and have always reached the top to take that look but always felt this unspoken sadness surrounding me and weighing me down. Today, as I reached to top, for the first time, I did not stop and instantly realized that I no longer needed to catch my breath and that the sadness was no longer there.

There is a part of me that wants to talk about where this sadness went. Then again, there is an even bigger part of me that is glad that it is gone. What remains, however, is this lighter me--the one I have been waiting for for such a long time. I won't lie. It's eerie to not have it there. I became accustomed to the handicap. It became my identity--my own soundtrack.

But it's gone. I no longer grieve. I no longer wait. I no longer hope for that happy ending. Folks, it's not coming and I can finally prepare for those things that are--like my future, which is unfolding before my eyes this very instant in a way that is astounding and humbling and right on time. This is where my hope rests--in my ability to gather motivation from the most painful of experiences and  move forward.

Sunday...And The Rest Of My Life

However, before any of this actually starts, I need a big cup of coffee or this painting or whichever can get here fastest. I absolutely abhor the day before classes start up again after spring break. If you've done it right, the transition is easy. If you've messed it up, it is a nightmare. I'm in the nightmare category because I partied each and every night away. Now, it's time to pay the piper.

Happy Sunday, folks..and all that other good stuff.

The Day I Lost It All

Come this Saturday, it will be a birthday of sorts--or rather, the end of an old life and the beginning of a new one. However, three years ago, I was absolutely certain that the world had opened up and swallowed me whole! I just remember wandering home minutes after everything vanished into thin air, wondering how things would ever be better again.

Oh, dear reader, I stand before you today a vastly different version of my former self. Let me tell you, the road from there to here was one of the hardest journeys I have ever had to travel. The thing is, if I had it to do all over again, I would--in a mother fucking heartbeat. I like where I am today--a work in progress for sure, but I'm living y'all and that feels all kinds of amazing.

Speaking of amazing, I just can't get enough of milk fly's goodies. This felt cake makes me all kinds of hungry.

Pamela Johnson

Easter Bunnies

Hostess Cupcakes

Girl Scout

M&M's

Oreos

There is just something about Pamela Johnson's  work. She manages to take everyday food products most of us have consumed at one point in time and capture them in a way that is both beautiful and haunting. Although the subjects she paints here are almost too simplistic and ordinary, the impact these paintings have had on me has been quite overwhelming.I've been looking at these painting all evening, trying to figure out what exactly is the hold they have over me.

There is much to be said about having to confront simplicity. For the most part, we don't think we have to, because embedded in its definition is the assumption that simplicity speaks for itself. However, during my short time on this earth, I realize that that is hardly ever the case. Simplicity is what often gives us the most trouble. We seek it but always underestimate its presence. I mean, how many times have we struggled to overcome things that are and were quite obvious? How many times do we disregard the writing on the wall? For most of us, I'm sure the answer to any one or both of these questions is more times than we ever thought possible. And that's humbling, y'all. And scary, too. Makes me wonder about my  mettle.

My Mistakes

Every now and then I go back through my old blog posts and see, in plain view, ALL of these spelling and grammatical errors. I always say to myself, oh shit, people actually saw and read that?

Yes, of course. Sometimes they are understandable mistakes. Then, there are those times when I just should know better. And then there are those times when I should know better but don't. The thing is, it's still ALL me. I am my mistakes, too.

I tend to forget to celebrate that part. It's as if who I am comes courtesy of ONLY all the things I've done correctly. That's hardly the case and I need to remember that.

Up

 

I'm procrastinating AND going through old photos AND trying to remember what motivated me to take them. I remember this day clearly. I had lunch in Chinatown with a dear friend and we ended up having dessert--macaroons of course--at BINA. Good times, I tell ya, good times.

It was raining that kind of rain--the kind that gets you wet whether or not you come prepared. It's futile to fight it and it's better that you just sit inside where it's warm and toasty, grab a cup of coffe, and watch the show.

That's just what we did. You know, rain speaks to you. If you have the capacity to listen, you can have a pretty wonderful conversation. On this day, the rain and I talked about peaks and valleys. It told me that the worst was over and tomorrow there would be sunny skies. I took this photo because I believe in before and after.

As a result, I no longer live in the shade--under gray skies. I continue to move into warmth and reach towards the light.

Bridges

 

If you know me, you know that I like bridges--a lot. I guess it's because I like the idea of connecting and spanning and transferring.  As the new semester approaches, I think a lot about what's next as this is my last semester at my current school. Above is a picture of one of my favorite bridges, the one that connects Vermont and New Hampshire and spans the ever so beautiful  Connecticut River.

Snack Cakes

Despite growing up in the worst kind of poverty imaginable, sometimes we found ourselves rich enough to afford snack cakes. And boy, did we take advantage of that opportunity. In those days, a dollar went so far. Little Debbie and Hostess pastries were 10 cents each. We'd buy them and take them to the big magnolia tree right outside the kitchen window and eat them under the shade. We made ourselves sick but we felt rich.

Looking back on those times makes it crystal clear why I find myself, today, obsessed with food. We were poor but we had food on the table. My dear mom fought tooth and nail to make that a reality. I'd be lying if I said it was not a constant worry. However, when I came home from school there was always something waiting for me at the table. Sure, it may have only been a slice of bread or a piece of welfare cheese, but it was something and I felt human.

Since money was out of the question the majority of the time, food became the currency by which I obtained my relevance. Perhaps I could not talk about the latest movie or that show on cable television, but I could discuss, in great detail, what I had for dinner the night before. And, those special times when my mom had enough to give me a dollar, I could go to the neighborhood corner store and purchase a snack like these--with my friends. AND, by some miracle, I would always have enough to share with those friends who had it even worse than myself. Although poverty rendered me insignificant to those who did not care to see me beyond my socioeconomic status, food allowed me to cultivate a sense meaningfulness to those who did.

Through food, I learned a value system, which included generosity and sacrifice, security and vulnerability, fullness and emptiness, and an ability to believe that things can happen despite you not knowing how or when.  These lessons I carry with me to this day and thank these damn snack cakes for each and every one of them.

I did not mean to go off on a tangent, but these snack cakes created by Milk Fly just did something to me in a way that makes me keenly appreciative for the tough times I've experienced so far. These past few weeks, I've been doing some soul searching and know no bad experience encountered has remained in that state. It always manages to teach me some really important lesson and further transforms me into a much better version of myself. I feel quite blessed for this and have no complaints.

It also makes me less afraid of the trials I know still rest ahead. I look forward to the subsequent transformations that will result as a consequence. I do know this--what always falls out is an increased capacity to love others and myself.

'Nuff Said...

I just LOVE this image by tenderbeast...just can't believe that summer is OVAH! I mean, it hit me when I went to CVS and they were putting out Halloween candy.

This summer was most productive. I grew leaps and bounds, gave up stuff, gained stuff, and look forward to learning a whole bunch of other stuff. I still need to make chilli, get a pedicure, loose a few pounds, stop eating so much candy, go to bed earlier, and answer phone calls, but ya know...I'm a work in progress.

I'm really looking forward to classes starting...just not looking forward to Raza leaving. I guess you can't have it all....