edesse designs blog

Realizations

That my life is both random and planned, that I know "I know" within seconds, that I must have tea after every meal, that shots don't hurt as much as I think they do, that it always gets done, that I love, that sometimes you have to bet it all and still loose, that I always sing in the shower, that bad things get better, and that I love JELLY BEANS....and life, 'cause it's beautiful, y'all!

Running

Even though it was pouring rain outside this evening, I still decided to go for a run. There's this point in my run when I climb a very steep hill. Once I reach the top, I pause for a few to catch my breath and look out over the city. The vista is beautiful--breathtakingly so. For the past three years, I've made this run and have always reached the top to take that look but always felt this unspoken sadness surrounding me and weighing me down. Today, as I reached to top, for the first time, I did not stop and instantly realized that I no longer needed to catch my breath and that the sadness was no longer there.

There is a part of me that wants to talk about where this sadness went. Then again, there is an even bigger part of me that is glad that it is gone. What remains, however, is this lighter me--the one I have been waiting for for such a long time. I won't lie. It's eerie to not have it there. I became accustomed to the handicap. It became my identity--my own soundtrack.

But it's gone. I no longer grieve. I no longer wait. I no longer hope for that happy ending. Folks, it's not coming and I can finally prepare for those things that are--like my future, which is unfolding before my eyes this very instant in a way that is astounding and humbling and right on time. This is where my hope rests--in my ability to gather motivation from the most painful of experiences and  move forward.

My Mistakes

Every now and then I go back through my old blog posts and see, in plain view, ALL of these spelling and grammatical errors. I always say to myself, oh shit, people actually saw and read that?

Yes, of course. Sometimes they are understandable mistakes. Then, there are those times when I just should know better. And then there are those times when I should know better but don't. The thing is, it's still ALL me. I am my mistakes, too.

I tend to forget to celebrate that part. It's as if who I am comes courtesy of ONLY all the things I've done correctly. That's hardly the case and I need to remember that.

Up

 

I'm procrastinating AND going through old photos AND trying to remember what motivated me to take them. I remember this day clearly. I had lunch in Chinatown with a dear friend and we ended up having dessert--macaroons of course--at BINA. Good times, I tell ya, good times.

It was raining that kind of rain--the kind that gets you wet whether or not you come prepared. It's futile to fight it and it's better that you just sit inside where it's warm and toasty, grab a cup of coffe, and watch the show.

That's just what we did. You know, rain speaks to you. If you have the capacity to listen, you can have a pretty wonderful conversation. On this day, the rain and I talked about peaks and valleys. It told me that the worst was over and tomorrow there would be sunny skies. I took this photo because I believe in before and after.

As a result, I no longer live in the shade--under gray skies. I continue to move into warmth and reach towards the light.

Snack Cakes

Despite growing up in the worst kind of poverty imaginable, sometimes we found ourselves rich enough to afford snack cakes. And boy, did we take advantage of that opportunity. In those days, a dollar went so far. Little Debbie and Hostess pastries were 10 cents each. We'd buy them and take them to the big magnolia tree right outside the kitchen window and eat them under the shade. We made ourselves sick but we felt rich.

Looking back on those times makes it crystal clear why I find myself, today, obsessed with food. We were poor but we had food on the table. My dear mom fought tooth and nail to make that a reality. I'd be lying if I said it was not a constant worry. However, when I came home from school there was always something waiting for me at the table. Sure, it may have only been a slice of bread or a piece of welfare cheese, but it was something and I felt human.

Since money was out of the question the majority of the time, food became the currency by which I obtained my relevance. Perhaps I could not talk about the latest movie or that show on cable television, but I could discuss, in great detail, what I had for dinner the night before. And, those special times when my mom had enough to give me a dollar, I could go to the neighborhood corner store and purchase a snack like these--with my friends. AND, by some miracle, I would always have enough to share with those friends who had it even worse than myself. Although poverty rendered me insignificant to those who did not care to see me beyond my socioeconomic status, food allowed me to cultivate a sense meaningfulness to those who did.

Through food, I learned a value system, which included generosity and sacrifice, security and vulnerability, fullness and emptiness, and an ability to believe that things can happen despite you not knowing how or when.  These lessons I carry with me to this day and thank these damn snack cakes for each and every one of them.

I did not mean to go off on a tangent, but these snack cakes created by Milk Fly just did something to me in a way that makes me keenly appreciative for the tough times I've experienced so far. These past few weeks, I've been doing some soul searching and know no bad experience encountered has remained in that state. It always manages to teach me some really important lesson and further transforms me into a much better version of myself. I feel quite blessed for this and have no complaints.

It also makes me less afraid of the trials I know still rest ahead. I look forward to the subsequent transformations that will result as a consequence. I do know this--what always falls out is an increased capacity to love others and myself.

So...

Hello Ladies and Gentleman!

Okay, so, yes...I am phasing out edesse designs, ask patrick, and the blog. Not completely but a lot less than I have in the past. I have received quite a few emails about what this all means so I have compiled them into this mini Q & A:

Q. I really like your STUFF, will you stop making STUFF completely?

A. No. I'm just REALLY cutting down on what I do. I have invested so much time, energy, and money into all of this. I just can't walk away completely. I just need to focus the majority of my energy on new pursuits! I will continue to take wholesale orders on select items and will, from time to time, offer really awesome "limited edition" goodies under the "ask patrick" business name. At this time, I don't know when this will be but check the blog for any new updates! I do think that I will do craft shows from time to time. However, as of now, I have no idea (or time) to figure out actual logistics. Oh...I will be announcing a really cool sale pretty soon as I need to get rid of a lot of inventory....I just need to take pictures!

Q. What about your furniture? Will you continue to make furniture?

A. Absolutely. Furniture is my first passion. Although time (and money) consuming; I love it immensely. I have given myself the goal of making one piece a year until I can do more. Right now, I am currently working on a piece that I hope to have up and ready for sale at the beginning of next year. Hopefully January...but I am writing my thesis this year so...who really knows! Again, please check here for any updates.

Q. Will you still blog?

A. Yes. Although I am in the process of starting another blog that is more relevant to my current research and the ins and outs of all that goes into that beast. I will eventually phase out this blog but I honestly don't know when that will be. However, giving up food inspired bliss will be pretty hard! Everything will be in phases...

James Moore

White and Chocolate Milk

In these troubling times, nothing says peace quite like this painting by James Moore . Although I am mucho lactose intolerant, milk has always stirred within me a calming force. I believer that Mr. Moore has perfectly and brilliantly captured that emotion within this painting.

Happy Monday, er'body. Stay cool, happy, and focused. As I finally realized this weekend, the beauty of life is that you have, with each second, the ability to change it for the better. If that does not spell freedom, I don't know what does.

Are you free yet? And, if you are not, what are you waiting for?

Moving

I hinted in my last post that I was moving. As I soaked my weary joints in a tub full of therapeutic salts this evening, it dawned on me what moving really meant. This time around it seems a bit different as if this move is correlated with my current life events. For starters, I'm moving out of the basement. It did not dawn on me how symbolic this means until I actually saw my new place filled with light and nice cross breezes and vistas. I'm moving up, above, and past past problems. This fills me with hope and excitement of what is to come.

If I could go back a few years ago to when my heart and brain were aching and yearning for those things we no longer speak of; I could have never imagined that I'd be here in a place so different and so positive. I've spent a long period of time in some pretty dark places trying to hold onto a life that did not suit me any longer. Of course, at the time, you could not have convinced me otherwise. I was hell bent on staying there because I'd grown complacent in that most heartbreaking place. But now...well, that's the beauty of the story or that part of the movie that makes you start believing in the story again. I'm finishing things I walked away from. I'm changing harmful pasts. I'm throwing out stuff. I'm taking careful steps. I'm loving and learning without bounds. I'm growing into a better version of myself. I apologetic and am surrounded by those who are mature enough to accept it.  I'm happy. I'm fulfilled. And, I'm sore. But that's inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. My new home is most beautiful.

Thank-You, Everything.

OOOH! And I got that macaroon book. I'm thinking of making macaroons. Soon. Or should I say...stay tuned! I need some flavor suggestions. I want to take full advantage of summer fruits...what say you?

Vik Muniz

I would have never imagined that this week's deepest thoughts and reflections would come courtesy of Vik Muniz's gummy bear photographs. These days, I find myself on the precipice of a new and improved version of myself. I've learned to finally let go of those things that are no longer good for me and look forward to filling my life with things that are. I've let go of the need to have answers for things I don't quite understand and rather enjoy the uncomfortableness that comes with uncertainty of it all.

I've had to make some gut-wrenching decisions, have had to accept many heart breaking conclusions, and have lost or have had to give up on things I'd always felt I could not live without. However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, for all the pain experienced by doing so, I've gained the patience to explore, appreciate, and understand the details of things I've always taken for granted.

Things like, the sound of the world passing me by as I go on my daily run, that part of you that takes over when you are on the verge of exploding, that part of you that endures even when all else has shut down, those people around you kind enough to forgive and move on, silence, good conversation, that last encounter, yesterday, failures, pure love, the creative process, inspiration,the radius of my influence, and yes, gummy bears.

You see, for as many as I have eaten, it was only when I discovered these photographs did I realize that I've never really consumed the meaningful whole and have spent the majority of my life chasing a superficial form of satisfaction. I still mourn for the losses incurred as a result of that kind of vantage point but also realize that an important part of growing up is learning from and correcting the mistakes of my past. This means turning up the volume to all that is around me and carefully paying attention to how I respond to "it" and how "it" responds to me.

I feel like Lewis and Clark.

Ask And Ye Shall Recieve...

Okay, I'm popping in because I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING going on here on Valentine's Night! I'm actually listening to an old The Cure album and cleaning up/organizing my studio space so that I can work properly. I always know that it is past time to clean up when either I see a mouse or dream of snakes. Today, both happened.

Anyway, yesterday I blogged about some sweet popsicle magnets from Treaclezoo and talked about wanting a print. So, I contacted Mr. and Mrs. Tracelzoo about a possible print and low and behold, it appeared, I purchased, and I wait for it to arrive so that I can hang it up in my studio space!

Thank-You so much guys!

Here's a look at what's heading across the pond to a new (and loving) home. Happy Valentine's Day to me!

 

Today was super long run day and while out and about I saw so much Valentine's Day STUFF going on. Vans making flower deliveries, boxes of chocolate, men carrying arm loads of flowers, and lovey-dovy couples holding hands and enjoying the closeness. It was such a nice sight. I almost teared up, I tell you. I must be turning soft. I just can't believe it. I used to be so anti-affection but now, I kind of desire it. STRANGE.  In due time, Erica, in due time.

However, since I'm asking and receiving, let me just put it out there to the universe: I want HIM (you know who I'm talking about) and I want him to want me too, I want to break the silence that exists between us, and I want us to start all over again. I also want to get in (you know where), I want my dad to get better, I want my mom to be happy, I want my sister to get engagaged, and I want my best friend to feel better and get what she's asked for too. And, I want a year's supply of m&m's and large veggie pizza.

In the meantime, my legs need some serious Epson's Salt and my mind needs some useless reality television.

Happy Valentine's Day er'body!