edesse designs blog

Running

Even though it was pouring rain outside this evening, I still decided to go for a run. There's this point in my run when I climb a very steep hill. Once I reach the top, I pause for a few to catch my breath and look out over the city. The vista is beautiful--breathtakingly so. For the past three years, I've made this run and have always reached the top to take that look but always felt this unspoken sadness surrounding me and weighing me down. Today, as I reached to top, for the first time, I did not stop and instantly realized that I no longer needed to catch my breath and that the sadness was no longer there.

There is a part of me that wants to talk about where this sadness went. Then again, there is an even bigger part of me that is glad that it is gone. What remains, however, is this lighter me--the one I have been waiting for for such a long time. I won't lie. It's eerie to not have it there. I became accustomed to the handicap. It became my identity--my own soundtrack.

But it's gone. I no longer grieve. I no longer wait. I no longer hope for that happy ending. Folks, it's not coming and I can finally prepare for those things that are--like my future, which is unfolding before my eyes this very instant in a way that is astounding and humbling and right on time. This is where my hope rests--in my ability to gather motivation from the most painful of experiences and  move forward.

Snack Cakes

Despite growing up in the worst kind of poverty imaginable, sometimes we found ourselves rich enough to afford snack cakes. And boy, did we take advantage of that opportunity. In those days, a dollar went so far. Little Debbie and Hostess pastries were 10 cents each. We'd buy them and take them to the big magnolia tree right outside the kitchen window and eat them under the shade. We made ourselves sick but we felt rich.

Looking back on those times makes it crystal clear why I find myself, today, obsessed with food. We were poor but we had food on the table. My dear mom fought tooth and nail to make that a reality. I'd be lying if I said it was not a constant worry. However, when I came home from school there was always something waiting for me at the table. Sure, it may have only been a slice of bread or a piece of welfare cheese, but it was something and I felt human.

Since money was out of the question the majority of the time, food became the currency by which I obtained my relevance. Perhaps I could not talk about the latest movie or that show on cable television, but I could discuss, in great detail, what I had for dinner the night before. And, those special times when my mom had enough to give me a dollar, I could go to the neighborhood corner store and purchase a snack like these--with my friends. AND, by some miracle, I would always have enough to share with those friends who had it even worse than myself. Although poverty rendered me insignificant to those who did not care to see me beyond my socioeconomic status, food allowed me to cultivate a sense meaningfulness to those who did.

Through food, I learned a value system, which included generosity and sacrifice, security and vulnerability, fullness and emptiness, and an ability to believe that things can happen despite you not knowing how or when.  These lessons I carry with me to this day and thank these damn snack cakes for each and every one of them.

I did not mean to go off on a tangent, but these snack cakes created by Milk Fly just did something to me in a way that makes me keenly appreciative for the tough times I've experienced so far. These past few weeks, I've been doing some soul searching and know no bad experience encountered has remained in that state. It always manages to teach me some really important lesson and further transforms me into a much better version of myself. I feel quite blessed for this and have no complaints.

It also makes me less afraid of the trials I know still rest ahead. I look forward to the subsequent transformations that will result as a consequence. I do know this--what always falls out is an increased capacity to love others and myself.

Moving

I hinted in my last post that I was moving. As I soaked my weary joints in a tub full of therapeutic salts this evening, it dawned on me what moving really meant. This time around it seems a bit different as if this move is correlated with my current life events. For starters, I'm moving out of the basement. It did not dawn on me how symbolic this means until I actually saw my new place filled with light and nice cross breezes and vistas. I'm moving up, above, and past past problems. This fills me with hope and excitement of what is to come.

If I could go back a few years ago to when my heart and brain were aching and yearning for those things we no longer speak of; I could have never imagined that I'd be here in a place so different and so positive. I've spent a long period of time in some pretty dark places trying to hold onto a life that did not suit me any longer. Of course, at the time, you could not have convinced me otherwise. I was hell bent on staying there because I'd grown complacent in that most heartbreaking place. But now...well, that's the beauty of the story or that part of the movie that makes you start believing in the story again. I'm finishing things I walked away from. I'm changing harmful pasts. I'm throwing out stuff. I'm taking careful steps. I'm loving and learning without bounds. I'm growing into a better version of myself. I apologetic and am surrounded by those who are mature enough to accept it.  I'm happy. I'm fulfilled. And, I'm sore. But that's inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. My new home is most beautiful.

Thank-You, Everything.

OOOH! And I got that macaroon book. I'm thinking of making macaroons. Soon. Or should I say...stay tuned! I need some flavor suggestions. I want to take full advantage of summer fruits...what say you?

*clears throat*

I swear, I have a few important things to say..but I'm a bit nervous as this is sort of a reintroduction and I find myself at a loss for words because it has been waaaaaaay too long. But school is out, I just finished my last paper, the weather is much warmer, Raza is coming in June, I got my favorite earrings fixed, and I love these rings. But more about these cuties later. Let me pick up where I left off. Hmm...where did I leave off. Let's see....well geez...I don't quite remember. Has it been that long?

Sorta. But sometimes taking a break is a good thing. It gives you time to clear your head, re-examine your path, take a chill pill, relax, release, move on, let go, and look forward to that something that you feel is just around the corner.

Ladies and Gentleman. I'm older, and happier, and crazier, and want a I want a new cut. I'm in love. I have too many pairs of shoes, I take long showers, and I want to go to Cape Cod. Baby steps, big steps, significant steps. Patience. Those we don't speak of is now that which we look forward to. My heart is free, I am no longer waiting. I have moved out and moved on. I have a big heart and so much to give.

And these rings, these beautiful rings.  

I'm back. I suppose I never really left. You, I did. Magic. 

Oh, and I'm having a sale. sometime next week. stay tuned. spring cleaning.

Those We Don't Speak Of

If you've noticed, I've been MIA since school started. Let me tell you, I have assignments coming out of my ears and have neglected so many things. I managed to take a study break this evening and went through some old pictures from my summer adventures. This photograph is my absolute favorite as it captures me right at the beginning of a new phase in my life.

If you follow my blog, you know that I speak on and off about my personal life and how I have had to  make quite a few painful decisions and accept quite a few painful truths like people I've hurt may never forgive me, people I love may never love me back, and plans I had for myself may not turn out the way I'd dreamed they would. The thing is that now, I'm okay with it.

These final words.

To you, the one I still love. I will always. It's just that I'm not paralyzed by it and can accept that it may not ever be.

To you, the one I hurt. I will not again. I'm me but I'm not her.

To you, the one I hate. I never did.

To you, the one who is mine. Come meet me on the bridge. That bridge.  Let's walk across it, together, to that other side. I want you to take my hand because I'm ready to follow. I want to take your hand because I'm ready to lead.

Vik Muniz

I would have never imagined that this week's deepest thoughts and reflections would come courtesy of Vik Muniz's gummy bear photographs. These days, I find myself on the precipice of a new and improved version of myself. I've learned to finally let go of those things that are no longer good for me and look forward to filling my life with things that are. I've let go of the need to have answers for things I don't quite understand and rather enjoy the uncomfortableness that comes with uncertainty of it all.

I've had to make some gut-wrenching decisions, have had to accept many heart breaking conclusions, and have lost or have had to give up on things I'd always felt I could not live without. However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, for all the pain experienced by doing so, I've gained the patience to explore, appreciate, and understand the details of things I've always taken for granted.

Things like, the sound of the world passing me by as I go on my daily run, that part of you that takes over when you are on the verge of exploding, that part of you that endures even when all else has shut down, those people around you kind enough to forgive and move on, silence, good conversation, that last encounter, yesterday, failures, pure love, the creative process, inspiration,the radius of my influence, and yes, gummy bears.

You see, for as many as I have eaten, it was only when I discovered these photographs did I realize that I've never really consumed the meaningful whole and have spent the majority of my life chasing a superficial form of satisfaction. I still mourn for the losses incurred as a result of that kind of vantage point but also realize that an important part of growing up is learning from and correcting the mistakes of my past. This means turning up the volume to all that is around me and carefully paying attention to how I respond to "it" and how "it" responds to me.

I feel like Lewis and Clark.

Ask And Ye Shall Recieve...

Okay, I'm popping in because I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING going on here on Valentine's Night! I'm actually listening to an old The Cure album and cleaning up/organizing my studio space so that I can work properly. I always know that it is past time to clean up when either I see a mouse or dream of snakes. Today, both happened.

Anyway, yesterday I blogged about some sweet popsicle magnets from Treaclezoo and talked about wanting a print. So, I contacted Mr. and Mrs. Tracelzoo about a possible print and low and behold, it appeared, I purchased, and I wait for it to arrive so that I can hang it up in my studio space!

Thank-You so much guys!

Here's a look at what's heading across the pond to a new (and loving) home. Happy Valentine's Day to me!

 

Today was super long run day and while out and about I saw so much Valentine's Day STUFF going on. Vans making flower deliveries, boxes of chocolate, men carrying arm loads of flowers, and lovey-dovy couples holding hands and enjoying the closeness. It was such a nice sight. I almost teared up, I tell you. I must be turning soft. I just can't believe it. I used to be so anti-affection but now, I kind of desire it. STRANGE.  In due time, Erica, in due time.

However, since I'm asking and receiving, let me just put it out there to the universe: I want HIM (you know who I'm talking about) and I want him to want me too, I want to break the silence that exists between us, and I want us to start all over again. I also want to get in (you know where), I want my dad to get better, I want my mom to be happy, I want my sister to get engagaged, and I want my best friend to feel better and get what she's asked for too. And, I want a year's supply of m&m's and large veggie pizza.

In the meantime, my legs need some serious Epson's Salt and my mind needs some useless reality television.

Happy Valentine's Day er'body!

Letting Go

The moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle. The moment I jumped off of it, was the moment I touched ground.

Of course, these are NOT my words. They come from the song Thank-U by Alanis Morissette. That's me, today, in a nutshell. I've let it go, every single bit of it. Goodbye speculation and doubt and wasted time. Hello freedom.

Me

More random things about me:

1. I live in a basement apartment.

2. My favorite song of the moment is Kiss You, by IIO.

3. I love vacationing in Vermont.

4. My biggest fear is failure.

5. I love running up hills but hate running down them.

6.I love box macaroni and cheese.

7. I hate being cold in the mornings.

8. I have really small ears.

9. My nickname is Bolo.

10. I love someone who does not love me back.

Bazaar Bizarre!

just listed all of their vendors. I'm so honored to be accepted again this year and really look forward to showcasing my new + old goodies again.

Attending this year is also a mental milestone. I'm a much different person now than I was last year. I'm running a much tighter ship this time around. Most of the design kinks have been worked out, the costs have been calculated, and I have watched my original vision for edesse designs leap into something I feel will work.

Since last year, I've challenged myself to just do better. I've made necessary sacrifices and risky decisions but I strongly feel that I've invested in an uncertainty that looks, well, more certain. My passion for what I do remains steadfast, my desire to strive for the ever present version 2.0 motivates me in fantastic ways.

In a nutshell, I love what I do.